Every single person that has ever walked this earth has struggled with something. Some people struggle with little things, some with big things, some struggle more early in their life and some struggle more at the end. Some people worry most about money and success, some with education, some with self-confidence and identity, some with relationships and sexuality, some with all of the above. But regardless of how or when a person struggles, he or she is never alone in those feelings of anger, confusion, sadness, regret, worry, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, or wanting to love and be loved in return.
(Bear with me as I make a point through this example that I know is on a very different level than gay relationships, but I swear I have a point). When I was in high school, my life was all about volleyball. I played on 3 different teams year-round, and didn't have an off-season. Being on the court made me happy, and it was my dream to play in college. I was starting the recruitment process when I partially tore my right rotator cuff. I was terrified that if I told someone about how much pain I was in, they would tell me I couldn't play. So I toughed it out and pretended I was fine. Eventually, I got hurt again, and that time my physical therapist gave me an ultimatum - give up my dream of playing competitively ever again and let my body rest and heal on its own, or have surgery, go through a year or more of PT, be gentle with my shoulder for the rest of my volleyball career, and take a gamble on if I'd be good enough to play after I healed. After some long discussions with my parents and my coaches, we all decided it would be best if I gave up my dreams on the court.
Volleyball was not my identity. Volleyball was not my true source of happiness. Life was not really all about volleyball. But I was so angry at not being allowed to play, questioning why this thing that I loved was being taken away from me, instead of accepting the fact that I couldn't do it any more, and figuring out what I was going to do moving forward. I struggled with wanting to know why God would give me the skills to play and the love of the game, but tell me that I couldn't do it without hurting myself. Little did I know then that taking volleyball out of my life would give me the opportunity to do so much more - getting involved in campus ministry, volunteering, joining a sorority, writing for my college paper, and so many other life-changing experiences I wouldn't have had time for if I was playing a sport. Years later, I still have my love of the game, and I'm back on the court - but on the sidelines, as a coach. I would not be who I am today if I had kept playing volleyball. I also would not have found my love for coaching volleyball, and expressing my excitement about the sport in that new way - a way that has turned out to be a better fit for me in the end, and a way that makes me happier to see my kids ace a serve than I ever felt when I aced one myself.
When God gives you the desire for something, we're not always supposed to fill that need with what we expect or want to. Sometimes, it feels like something precious to us, something we want more than anything, is being taken away or make impossible. No matter what that precious thing is - a sport to an athlete, the perfect job to a great businessman, the fertility of a mother that desperately wants to have children, the desire of a person to love through a marriage recognized by the Church -- the feelings are similar when it's "taken away" from us, or we're told we can't have it. That anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness, questioning who you are and what you're good at - we've all felt it over something, or will at some point in our lives.
God is not trying to make us miserable. We are His children, and He wants us to be happy and to live fulfilling lives. God doesn't give us things we can't handle - and he gives the strongest people the biggest burdens to bear. We don't always understand why we're given those burdens at the time, or we may never understand them at all - but that doesn't mean they don't have a purpose. We might not understand other people's struggles, know why they happen, or be able to completely empathize with how they're feeling, but that doesn't mean that we're all in this life together. We all know what a struggle is, and we've all felt some sort of pain before.
I have friends that are gay, and I know that I will never fully be able to know what it's like to be in their shoes and be told they can't get married in the church, just like they will never fully know what it was like for me to have my dream taken away from me in high school. That yearning for a loving relationship is something that they will always have - but the game-changing difference between wallowing in the inability to get married, and celebrating the ability to experience love in different ways, is perspective.
No one said that gay people can't love each other, or people in general. No one said that gay people can't experience the self-sacrificing friendship and support that a husband and wife have for each other.
I like the way this LifeTeen article puts it:
"True love means to will the good of the beloved. What is the good of the beloved? It is to always act with our ultimate end in mind — eternal happiness in heaven. We have to look out for each other’s souls since we are all brothers and sisters.
Both heterosexual and homosexual people are called to live a life of virtue, a life of chastity, because we’re all called to be saints. Contrary to what many believe, the highest expression of love for someone is not to have sex with them (CCC 2359).
In a document from the Catholic Bishops about homosexuality, they say:
(Read here for the full article: http://lifeteen.com/catholics-care-about-gays-the-myth-debunked/)“It would not be wise for persons with a homosexual inclination to seek friendship exclusively among persons with the same inclination. They should seek to form stable friendships among both homosexuals and heterosexuals . . . A homosexual person can have an abiding relationship with another homosexual without genital sexual expression. Indeed the deeper need of any human is for friendship rather than genital expression.”
The desire that God gave you to want to love, and be loved, is a beautiful thing that God gave you when He created you. Finding out how you can best fulfill that desire may not be in ways you expect - for some people, the answer to that desire is easy to find, through the sacrament of marriage. For some, that desire is filled through religious life, or choosing to be single. For others, the answer might be harder to see, but it's still an answer, a way to love and be loved, in a way that's both nourishing and good for your soul.
Discovering how you as an individual, no matter your sexual preference, are called to love and be loved is something that you can't find out from a blog post, an article, or even the Catechism or the Bible. The Church or the people in your life can tell you what they think, or tell you the boundaries that you should stick by. But as for the exact way that you fulfill your God-given desires, you need to find that out through prayer - and a lot of it.
I know I'm still figuring out how I'm called to fulfill my own desire to love and be loved. I know I have a strong desire to be a mother - but how I'm called to do that is something I haven't found out yet. For today, it's enough for me to be single and sometimes be like a mom to the students in my ministry. In the future, maybe I'll be called to be a mom by actually having kids of my own, or adopting. Or maybe I'll be called to be a mother in the spiritual sense of the word by joining religious life. Who knows where I'll find my true sense of fulfilling that desire? Only God.
Maybe a person is satisfied with just friendships and a strong community, and doesn't feel a strong need for one special person to love them in a special way. Maybe another person feels satisfied by having a stronger, self-sacrificing, supporting friendship with one person, without the sexual component that's reserved for marriage. Maybe another person fulfills their desire to love and be loved by dedicating their life to service, and has a different kind of family in the people they serve. Each of these lifestyles are beautiful options, and there are infinite possibilities for any person to fulfill their need for love outside of the traditional idea of marriage.
Let's not be so close-minded about the opportunities God has given us to fulfill the desires we have in a way that's good for our souls, and supports our purpose in life, and each other. When life gives you lemons, don't sit around sucking on them and complaining about how sour they are. Make lemonade - or lemon cake, lemon chicken, lemon poppyseed muffins.... Make something beautiful.
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