You are not alone in your struggles, or your desires

If you haven't already read my previous blog post, please do so before reading this one. After getting some fallout from my last post about gay marriage, I realized that the compassion I had intended wasn't fully communicated. For that I apologize - but I still stand by what I wrote and believe. Hopefully this explains things a little more... 

Every single person that has ever walked this earth has struggled with something. Some people struggle with little things, some with big things, some struggle more early in their life and some struggle more at the end. Some people worry most about money and success, some with education, some with self-confidence and identity, some with relationships and sexuality, some with all of the above. But regardless of how or when a person struggles, he or she is never alone in those feelings of anger, confusion, sadness, regret, worry, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, or wanting to love and be loved in return.

(Bear with me as I make a point through this example that I know is on a very different level than gay relationships, but I swear I have a point). When I was in high school, my life was all about volleyball. I played on 3 different teams year-round, and didn't have an off-season. Being on the court made me happy, and it was my dream to play in college. I was starting the recruitment process when I partially tore my right rotator cuff. I was terrified that if I told someone about how much pain I was in, they would tell me I couldn't play. So I toughed it out and pretended I was fine. Eventually, I got hurt again, and that time my physical therapist gave me an ultimatum - give up my dream of playing competitively ever again and let my body rest and heal on its own, or have surgery, go through a year or more of PT, be gentle with my shoulder for the rest of my volleyball career, and take a gamble on if I'd be good enough to play after I healed. After some long discussions with my parents and my coaches, we all decided it would be best if I gave up my dreams on the court.

Volleyball was not my identity. Volleyball was not my true source of happiness. Life was not really all about volleyball. But I was so angry at not being allowed to play, questioning why this thing that I loved was being taken away from me, instead of accepting the fact that I couldn't do it any more, and figuring out what I was going to do moving forward. I struggled with wanting to know why God would give me the skills to play and the love of the game, but tell me that I couldn't do it without hurting myself. Little did I know then that taking volleyball out of my life would give me the opportunity to do so much more - getting involved in campus ministry, volunteering, joining a sorority, writing for my college paper, and so many other life-changing experiences I wouldn't have had time for if I was playing a sport. Years later, I still have my love of the game, and I'm back on the court - but on the sidelines, as a coach. I would not be who I am today if I had kept playing volleyball. I also would not have found my love for coaching volleyball, and expressing my excitement about the sport in that new way - a way that has turned out to be a better fit for me in the end, and a way that makes me happier to see my kids ace a serve than I ever felt when I aced one myself.

When God gives you the desire for something, we're not always supposed to fill that need with what we expect or want to. Sometimes, it feels like something precious to us, something we want more than anything, is being taken away or make impossible. No matter what that precious thing is - a sport to an athlete, the perfect job to a great businessman, the fertility of a mother that desperately wants to have children, the desire of a person to love through a marriage recognized by the Church -- the feelings are similar when it's "taken away" from us, or we're told we can't have it. That anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness, questioning who you are and what you're good at - we've all felt it over something, or will at some point in our lives.

God is not trying to make us miserable. We are His children, and He wants us to be happy and to live fulfilling lives. God doesn't give us things we can't handle - and he gives the strongest people the biggest burdens to bear. We don't always understand why we're given those burdens at the time, or we may never understand them at all - but that doesn't mean they don't have a purpose. We might not understand other people's struggles, know why they happen, or be able to completely empathize with how they're feeling, but that doesn't mean that we're all in this life together. We all know what a struggle is, and we've all felt some sort of pain before.

I have friends that are gay, and I know that I will never fully be able to know what it's like to be in their shoes and be told they can't get married in the church, just like they will never fully know what it was like for me to have my dream taken away from me in high school. That yearning for a loving relationship is something that they will always have - but the game-changing difference between wallowing in the inability to get married, and celebrating the ability to experience love in different ways, is perspective.

No one said that gay people can't love each other, or people in general. No one said that gay people can't experience the self-sacrificing friendship and support that a husband and wife have for each other.

I like the way this LifeTeen article puts it:

"True love means to will the good of the beloved. What is the good of the beloved? It is to always act with our ultimate end in mind — eternal happiness in heaven. We have to look out for each other’s souls since we are all brothers and sisters.

Both heterosexual and homosexual people are called to live a life of virtue, a life of chastity, because we’re all called to be saints. Contrary to what many believe, the highest expression of love for someone is not to have sex with them (CCC 2359).

In a document from the Catholic Bishops about homosexuality, they say:

“It would not be wise for persons with a homosexual inclination to seek friendship exclusively among persons with the same inclination. They should seek to form stable friendships among both homosexuals and heterosexuals . . . A homosexual person can have an abiding relationship with another homosexual without genital sexual expression. Indeed the deeper need of any human is for friendship rather than genital expression.”

(Read here for the full article: http://lifeteen.com/catholics-care-about-gays-the-myth-debunked/)


The desire that God gave you to want to love, and be loved, is a beautiful thing that God gave you when He created you. Finding out how you can best fulfill that desire may not be in ways you expect - for some people, the answer to that desire is easy to find, through the sacrament of marriage. For some, that desire is filled through religious life, or choosing to be single. For others, the answer might be harder to see, but it's still an answer, a way to love and be loved, in a way that's both nourishing and good for your soul.

Discovering how you as an individual, no matter your sexual preference, are called to love and be loved is something that you can't find out from a blog post, an article, or even the Catechism or the Bible. The Church or the people in your life can tell you what they think, or tell you the boundaries that you should stick by. But as for the exact way that you fulfill your God-given desires, you need to find that out through prayer - and a lot of it.

I know I'm still figuring out how I'm called to fulfill my own desire to love and be loved. I know I have a strong desire to be a mother - but how I'm called to do that is something I haven't found out yet. For today, it's enough for me to be single and sometimes be like a mom to the students in my ministry. In the future, maybe I'll be called to be a mom by actually having kids of my own, or adopting. Or maybe I'll be called to be a mother in the spiritual sense of the word by joining religious life. Who knows where I'll find my true sense of fulfilling that desire? Only God.

Maybe a person is satisfied with just friendships and a strong community, and doesn't feel a strong need for one special person to love them in a special way. Maybe another person feels satisfied by having a stronger, self-sacrificing, supporting friendship with one person, without the sexual component that's reserved for marriage. Maybe another person fulfills their desire to love and be loved by dedicating their life to service, and has a different kind of family in the people they serve. Each of these lifestyles are beautiful options, and there are infinite possibilities for any person to fulfill their need for love outside of the traditional idea of marriage.

Let's not be so close-minded about the opportunities God has given us to fulfill the desires we have in a way that's good for our souls, and supports our purpose in life, and each other. When life gives you lemons, don't sit around sucking on them and complaining about how sour they are. Make lemonade - or lemon cake, lemon chicken, lemon poppyseed muffins.... Make something beautiful.

The argument for marriage - More than your profile picture

In a sea of red equal signs, crosses, X's, and more flooding my news feed today, I chose not to change my profile picture.

Why? Not because I don't have very strong beliefs about the general topic of human sexuality and marriage, and not because I didn't want to offend anyone - I'm not apologizing for my beliefs. But I do think that how I feel about the topic cannot be accurately described in a small profile picture, or with one particular symbol. And I think it deserves more of a conversation, and more attention, than just a day of Facebook profile pictures. More than just angry comments on different pictures about how intolerant or hateful everyone is. More than what I can cover in a single blog post, but at least this is a start.

The majority of people that care about this debate know that the Catholic Church does not support gay marriage (they do support gay people, and teach us to love and respect all humans regardless of sexual orientation) -- but they don't truly understand the reason WHY, which is the most important part. In reality, the misunderstanding is not about gay marriage - it's about misunderstanding human sexuality and the meaning of relationships as a big picture.

The world we live in today puts sex on a pedestal. While, in the appropriate context, sex can be a beautiful, God-given gift, we are not put on earth for the sole reason of having sex, and to say that we are only to be used for that is demeaning to the whole value of human life and purpose. To say that my value as a person, as a woman, is based on my sexuality, is offensive - because I am more than just my body.

Guess what? I'm a 24-year-old woman, I'm not married, I'm not having sex, and I'm alive. Maybe one day I'll get married, and will have sex. Maybe I will be single for the rest of my life, and I'll never have sex. Either way, it's not at the top of my priority list. It doesn't make me sad to think about the possibility of not having sex, or not getting married. Because I know that I'm worth more than what I can do with my body.

The idea that a human being is more than just sexual organs is crucial to the Church's teachings on sexuality, marriage, and relationships in general. The most important part of a human being is his or her soul -- so that's what we have to care for in our relationships. Catholicism teaches that ALL people are called to live by the same "rules" -- to respect, love, and care for other souls. To uphold the true purpose of sex - a free, total, faithful, and live-giving act of love in the context of marriage. To respect the sacrament of marriage - between a man and a woman.

Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I can't love people. I just can't express that love to people through having sex with them. If people with same-sex attractions can't get married, that doesn't mean they can't love people, either - they just can't express that love through sex in a moral way, just like me. Same standards. And neither I, nor gay couples, will die from, or have an awful life because of a lack of extra-marital sex. In fact, if people stop putting bodies, sex, and society's twisted idea of self-worth so high on their priority list, they would be happier in the long run.

It's not that I don't understand or have compassion for people with same-sex attractions. Some of my best friends, and some people that I consider to be family, are gay, and I don't love them any less because of that. Hearing stories they tell me about having sex outside of marriage makes me sad in the same way that it does to hear about heterosexual friends having sex outside of marriage - and when I say sad, I don't mean :( , I mean feeling sad for their souls, and sad that they don't see the value of their souls and themselves as more than just a physical body. A familiar kind of sadness that comes from knowing in your heart that you deserve more and can be happier. On the other side, hearing from the friends that are gay, but choosing to live chastely and be celibate instead of pursuing sexual homosexual relationships, makes me respect and admire them even more. (Check out this awesome blog post: http://mattfradd.com/2012/06/14/catholic-gay-and-feeling-fine/)

Is it a struggle to live out these high standards of chastity? Absolutely. No one said it would be easy - after all, our bodies are made the way they are so that they are able to have sexual relationships, and we all have hormones. I've been in that struggle - let's just say there was a time in my life where my beliefs weren't as strong as they are today. But I can speak from experience in saying that I've found SO much more joy in my life from discovering the real value in who I am, and what my body and soul were made for. To understand that better, I encourage everyone to look into Theology of the Body (Never heard of it? Start with either of these books: http://www.amazon.com/Theology-Body-Beginners-Introduction-Revolution/dp/1934217859/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1364347661&sr=8-2&keywords=theology+of+the+body  or http://www.amazon.com/Theology-Body-Teens-Student-Workbook/dp/1932927867/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1364347661&sr=8-6&keywords=theology+of+the+body). Be ready for it to change your life.

Why do I feel like I need to "force" these beliefs on other people by staying out of the fight on the political level? Because I care about people's souls - which is saying much more than caring about people's feelings of who they can love. We are not supposed to judge people, or souls - but we do need to judge people's actions, hold each other accountable for actions that hurt our souls, and help guide each other closer to God and heaven.  (You should also check out this blog post, which explains more about the arguments over gay marriage: http://mattfradd.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-our-agreements-solve-our-disagreement/).

We also live in a country founded on the freedom of religion - not just the freedom of worship. My religious freedom is already being attacked right now by our government, because the government is forcing religious people to go against their beliefs (like by paying for healthcare that violates what the Church teaches about abortion, among other things). If we make gay marriage legal, how long will it be before they start forcing churches to uphold governmental standards of what marriage is? That's not far from what our country is coming to. I know that I can't go around and physically force people to live chastely, but I can't sit by and watch as people disregard the meaning and value of marriage and sexuality. I have an obligation, and we all do, to show people the truth about who they are, who they are made to be, and what they can do to get there.

The value of a soul is worth fighting for.


*Above is the original version of this blog post. However, after talking to a few people about this post, I decided that a few things were missing from it. Please check out the next post on this blog by clicking here: http://alwaysletyourlightshine.blogspot.com/2013/03/you-are-not-alone-in-your-struggles-or.html  or clicking on the link to "You are not alone in your struggles..." located in the sidebar on the right side of this page. Thanks for reading! 

Don't get tired of asking for forgiveness

“Don't forget this, the Lord never gets tired of forgiving, it is we that get tired of asking forgiveness... Have you thought about how much patience he has with you? Let's not forget that God never gets tired of forgiving so let's never get tired of asking for forgiveness”  -- Pope Francis 
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God's forgiveness is something that I've been reflecting on a lot lately, partially because I've been talking to a few people that have been struggling to grasp it, and partially because it just makes me smile.

We tend to try and fit God into the limitations of human beings because it's easier for us to understand things when they're relative to something familiar. We know what it's like to forgive a little sibling for taking the last cookie, to let it go when your friends forget to invite you to a movie. We know it's possible, in time, for some  to forgive others for cheating on a husband or wife. We hear stories about a mother forgiving the man that killed her son in a drunk driving accident. While some of those are easier for us to relate to than others, they're all situations we're familiar with.

But God is not human, an no matter how hard we try, He can't fit in the confined space that we are limited to as humans. His forgiveness is so beyond what we can comprehend, and it's unlike anything we're familiar with or can compare it to completely. Many of us struggle with beginning to understand that forgiveness and love, so we try to reject it and tell ourselves we're not worthy, we're not good enough, we're too stupid or ugly or stubborn or some other things that would make us unloveable.

It's times like these where we have to stop trying so hard to understand why God loves us so much, and just accept the fact that He does. That's never going to change. No matter what. God loves us unconditionally because that's who God is. And you were made to be loved by God, and to love Him in return. Quit trying so hard to wrap your mind around the thought, accept that it's never going to fit it in the little box that defines human love, and just let yourself be enveloped in it. There's so much peace that comes from that, and knowing that He will always love you, and that will never change.

Does that mean that we can do whatever we want because God will love and forgive us anyway? No. We still have to try our best to not sin. That forgiveness is meant to be one within a loving, two-way relationship - not a one-way relationship where we use God for His forgiveness and do nothing in return. It's like when parents trust their kids to go out with their friends for the first time - they hope that because they love and trust their child, the child will do the right thing and do what they tell him/her to do. The child might be a rebellious teenager, refuse to listen, break the rules, etc. but the parents will still love them anyway, and eventually, the kid will grow up, mature, and realize that their parents only want the best for them. That's the relationship with God that we should strive for - understanding that His commandments are coming from a loving God that only wants the best for us, and we follow them because we know He knows best, and love Him for loving us.

Like Pope Francis said, God never gets tired of forgiving us - but sometimes we get tired of asking for forgiveness because we feel like we're not worthy. But guess what - you are a son or daughter of God. You are worthy of being loved unconditionally. Feel like you can't accept any of that? Spend some time doing a good examination of conscience. Make the best confession of your life. Learn from your mistakes, and let go of whatever is holding you back from accepting God's love and forgiveness. Make another mistake, or start to feel unworthy again? As for forgiveness. Go to confession. Learn, let go, repeat. Never stop asking for God's forgiveness, and He will never stop asking for it. But you have to keep letting that love in - face it. You are loved. And that's never going to change.

Pope Francis, the business world, and a lesson in humility

It’s got to be hard to be humble when you’re the Pope. You were only just elected to lead 1.2 billion people. No big deal, right? You’re only on every form of news and social media all over the world.

Yesterday was all about stories of Pope Francis riding the bus instead of the papal car, or showing pictures of him washing AIDs victims feet on social media. Today, things seemed to take a quick turn as people started digging into the past of Cardinal Bergoglio, looking for some dirt to show the world, and debating about which Church problems he had to fix first – sex abuse scandals, or Catholicism’s close-mindedness over issues like abortion and gay marriage.

When people are praising you for your humility, it’s hard to stay humble. When they are accusing you or your faith, it’s even harder to stay humble, and not whip out the list of accomplishments and good things the Church has done over the years to explain or contrast the bad actions, misunderstandings, or negativity in the media.

My marketing/public relations background (the field I worked in and studied before I realized God has other plans for my life) has always made me struggle with this. Why doesn’t the church hire some snazzy, expensive marketing firm to pitch to the world how many good things members of the Catholic Church do every day, how many people we feed, serve, educate,  heal, house, and support? Why don’t we get some good branding going, with some catchy slogans that explain our faith in simple ways, push the goodwill factor and advertise more what we’re doing to fix the problems we do have?

If we were all about positive marketing strategies and showing off, sharing our Catholic faith would be so much easier. But, that’s not what our faith is all about. We are not a corporation trying to increase sales, or even a non-profit trying to promote a cause. We are Catholic, and our mission is to save souls by proclaiming and living out the Gospel. We are taught to be humble, to serve in the spirit of compassion and humility, to pray in secret, to put money in the collection basket with our right hand quietly so our left hand doesn’t know what we’re doing. Most Catholics follow a quieter style of evangelism, focused more on living as a great example.

None of the stories in the Bible end with “… and Jesus asked his disciples if they thought people agreed with his message and would post good things about him on Facebook.” Instead, Jesus called his followers to live in a radical way, spreading the Truth even when they were persecuted.

Let’s be real – even if the Church did invest resources and spend more time worrying about their public image, it probably wouldn’t make a significant dent in the number of people that don’t understand, or just dislike, the Catholic Church. Pope Francis has done some pretty amazing and holy things in his life, and two days after his election, the media is already searching for ways to make him look bad, or remind the Church of how awful Catholics are.

Despite all of this, I think what we need is a good dose of Pope Francis’ humility and reminder to get back to the basics of our faith. Being humble Catholics that do the best they can to live out the faith may not be as direct of a message as sending a press release or calling a press conference, but it’s certainly more memorable and more in line with the message we’re trying to send the world.  In a swarm of online news stories and social media posts, we need to do something different to be recognized. Jesus changed the world when he started with 12 apostles that lived by example and stood by their beliefs through persecution (I bet his Twitter account would have looked pretty lame at the beginning of his ministry with only 12 followers and some radical teachings). Imagine what a Church of 1.2 billion could do if we all returned to those same basic, humble beginnings of our faith, and remembered that we are Catholic because our Church is rooted in the Truth, a Gospel of love, and filled with holy people that truly care about our souls.

That’s why I’m so excited to see, and be a part of, what Pope Francis’ leadership will do with our Church. The more I read about him, what he’s done in his ministry, and his vision for the future, the more I love him and want to know more about how we can all grow in our faith. In a world that focuses on public image and making people like you, we have to be the most counter-cultural of all and live in humility. News anchors sharing poll info about how many people dislike Church teachings won’t change the Church, and Catholic newspapers sharing happy stories won’t change hearts and save souls. But doing what we can to humbly show others the love behind Church teachings and the beauty in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ will change hearts. That will show the world what’s most important in life, and that’s the first thing we can learn from our new Holy Father.