My Journey with PCOS, Part 2: What IS NFP?

Woah! First, let me say that I’ve been overwhelmed by the support of friends, family, and random strangers, and so touched by the women who have reached out to me since part 1 of this blog post to say thank you for sharing, or ask questions because they are in the same boat. That’s really been my whole purpose for sharing all of this, to reach people who might be helped by all the things I’ve learned through this process, and start the conversation about PCOS and Creighton/NFP.

That being said, DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a doctor, or medical professional of any kind. I am a business major who works for the Catholic Church. I one day hope to teach Creighton/NFP myself, but that’s a long way off from now, so all I can tell you here is what I’ve learned and experienced myself. If you’re looking for medical journals, scientific research, etc. then I’d recommend you start looking at some of the helpful links at the end of this post and do a little more research yourself.

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(Continued from part 1: http://alwaysletyourlightshine.blogspot.com/2016/04/national-infertility-awareness-week-my.html)

Now that I had my PCOS Diagnosis in hand, and had found some hope and answers to questions I had had for a long time, I dove headfirst into learning about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, what to do about it, and how I could take my Creighton charting more seriously. Although it was scary to see on paper the truth about how crazy my cycles and body were, I knew that I needed every bit of information I could get to help my new doctors help me.

I’m just starting to realize how important charting my cycles has been for me in dealing with my PCOS. I am a “do-er,” a work-horse, someone who organizes her office when she’s had a stressful day in order to relax and feel accomplished. When I started charting, I took at least part of my health into my own hands. I wasn’t just waiting on blood tests to come back, wondering what we would talk about at my next doctor’s appointment, hoping things wouldn’t get better, and praying they wouldn’t get worse. Something as simple as writing the code and putting a sticker on my chart at the end of the day was empowering. I could see when I was having a good week, and was prepared for the bad ones. And for that one minute at the end of the day, I was in control. Charting mattered – being proactive mattered – because my doctors needed that information to help me get better. And I began to feel a little bit less like a helpless victim of PCOS, and more like a fighter.

I know that many of you reading this have no idea what Creighton, charting, or NFP are, so let me back up for a second and explain (reminder – I am not a medical professional, see the links at the bottom of this post for more medical-professional-related links).

Natural Family Planning (NFP) is just like what it sounds – methods of naturally tracking a woman’s fertility, and using that information to achieve or avoid pregnancy. It is not considered birth control – because women are naturally fertile and infertile at different times of the month, and a couple is able to use that information to space out their children, know when they are most likely to achieve pregnancy, or avoid pregnancy altogether if needed for tough financial times, medical issues, or many other reasons.

There are many different methods of NFP that use different information to chart a women’s fertility; each method has its pros and cons depending on your lifestyle. Do your research and find what could be best for you! For example, the Marquette Model would be good for a woman or normal fertility who is always on the go and has a different schedule every day, because the method focuses mainly on urine testing for certain hormone levels every day. One of the variations of the Sympto-Thermal method would be better for a woman of normal fertility who gets up around the same time every day, and can remember to take her body temperature before getting out of bed. Many methods use a combination of different body trackers (hormone levels, body temperature, cervical position, cervical mucus, etc.)  to determine where a woman is at in her cycle, when she will ovulate, and when she should have sex to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Most methods are best learned by taking a class or finding a teacher – and the Internet is a great place to find one. I’ve also found a lot of help through this Facebook group, if you’re looking for a specific area/teacher/method: https://www.facebook.com/groups/NFPCatholicStyle/ .

Any woman who is struggling with things ranging from infertility to PCOS to endometriosis to long or short cycles to bad PMS would probably be best using the Creighton method of NFP. Creighton has a uniform coding system that tracks changes in cervical mucus, and because each Creighton user codes the same way, doctors who know the system can diagnose issues like hormone imbalances, anovulatory cycles, infections, and (drumroll…) PCOS. This medical/diagnostic branch of the Creighton method is called NaPro Technology (Natural Procreative Technology), and focuses on healing the root cause of women’s health issues to allow women the highest chance of eventually achieving pregnancy.

For Creighton, when following textbook rules for trying to conceive (TTC) or trying to avoid (TTA), NFP methods have just as high, if not higher rates, of TTA (96.8% use-effectiveness, check that out here: http://www.fertilitycare.org/system-effectiveness/) than the pill, condoms, etc., and higher TTC rates than IVF (check that info out here: http://www.naprotechnology.com/infertility.htm).  

I LOVE this description on the Creighton website:

This is the first women's health science to network family planning with reproductive health monitoring and maintenance. It is a fertility-care based medical approach rather than a fertility-control approach to family planning and gynecological health. NaProTECHNOLOGY uses the Creighton Model FertilityCare™ System biomarkers to monitor easily and objectively the occurrence of various hormonal events during the menstrual cycle. NaProtracking provides valid information that can be interpreted by a woman and by physicians who are specifically trained in this system. Unlike common suppressive or destructive approaches, NaProTECHNOLOGY works cooperatively with the procreative and gynecologic systems. When these systems function abnormally, NaProTECHNOLOGY identifies the problems and cooperates with the menstrual and fertility cycles that correct the condition, maintain the human ecology, and sustain the procreative potential. Women now have an opportunity to know and understand the causes of the symptoms from which they suffer. (http://www.naprotechnology.com/)

When you first start learning the Creighton Method, a Creighton FertilityCare Practitioner (FCP), or Creighton teacher, will have an intro session with you about the basics of women’s health and cycles, and teach you how to start tracking your cervical mucus and chart it with the Creighton coding system. You’ll see the coding picture dictionary to give you some examples, and learn way more about cervical mucus (CM)than you want to, and eventually find it so fascinating you’ll want to start your own blog about it (just kidding… kind of). You will learn how to chart your CM, get corresponding color-coded stickers, and if you’re the average woman without any complications, it will probably look something like this:

Multiple that one line (month) by six, and you’ll have your first chart. Red is for period/bleeding days, green are for dry days, baby stickers are for the presence of CM, and if you’re super special, you get to use yellow ones (but that’s for Creighton professionals to decide, and is more complicated to get into than we have time for right here).

If your chart doesn’t look something like that, then your FCP might refer you do a doctor that can help, depending on how “off” your chart looks. For reference, here is a picture of my first ever Creighton chart (complete with some notes from Dr. Anne to correct my coding) – if you remember from part 1, this is the chart that made that nurse go “Wow, I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

If you don’t have a “normal” chart, don’t panic – it might just mean you need some extra vitamins, or your stressful month at work has impacted your cycle. PLEASE ask an FCP or NaPro doctor before panicking.

That being said, what do you do if you are interested in learning to chart your cycles with Creighton? 

1. Find an FCP/Creighton teacher near you. http://www.fertilitycare.org/ is an AWESOME website that can get you connected with doctors and teachers all over the country. If you can’t find one near you, then try calling one of the doctor’s offices close by and ask them if they know anyone in your area who can be your teacher. You can also join and post here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/crmsnapro.usergroup/, I’ve seen some women post that they are able to teach long distance via Skype, etc.

*NOTE: many FCP’s are regular women who have a passion for women’s health and NFP. Some are nurses, doctors, etc. but generally speaking, you will need to pay them a small fee (maybe a little bit more than your average co-pay amount) for your classes/meetings and charts/supplies. This money goes towards off-setting the cost for their training, and time. After learning the method and feeling comfortable with it (you’ll need to buy the handbook and have a few extra meetings when you first start), I pay about $125 per YEAR for 2-3 FCP meetings, charts, and stickers. Some FCP’s charge on a sliding scale depending on your income, or offer scholarships if needed, just ask them what their rate is. 

2. Learn the Creighton charting method. It will take a few weeks or months to feel comfortable with it, and your FCP will be a great resource for questions, and you’ll probably meet with her every few weeks at the beginning, and every few months as you move forward. When you meet, you’ll talk about lifestyle changes that could be effecting your cycle, if you are TTC/TTA/just charting to observe your health, etc. and what you can do to improve anything, if needed. 

3. Feel empowered! Even if you encounter an issue with your health, you now have the ability to bring that information to a Creighton-friendly doctor, and do something about it. If needed, they can do bloodwork, ultrasounds, and some other tests to help you, and talk about your options moving forward.

*NOTE: If you do have a fertility issue and need to see a Creighton/NaPro doctor, they will ask you to chart for at least 3 months with an FCP so that you have some information to help them diagnose you at your first visit. I guarantee you, it is worth the time to invest for the answers and help they can give you!

I don’t know what I would have done, or what my body would be doing, if I hadn’t found NFP, Creighton, and the women and doctors that I’ve been able to work with over the past few years. These medical professionals have offered genuine healing, and a solution beyond just putting me on the birth control pill, and words can’t describe how thankful I am for that.

There is so much more to the story... Up next? What my chart looks like now (sneak peak: much better than the first one!), where Creighton has taken me since the first few months, and things that worked/haven’t worked for me along the way (so far). And so much more…

(to be continued...)  

Helpful links:

http://www.naprotechnology.com/ (The official website for NaPro Technology)

http://www.amazon.com/NaPro-Technology-Revolution-Unleashing-Womans/dp/0825306264 (The “definitive textbook on NaPro Technology, by Dr. Hilgers, who developed the Creighton Model FertilityCare System with his coworkers).

https://www.facebook.com/josephstanfordmd/?fref=ts&ref=br_tf&hc_location=ufi (Dr. Stanford, I’ve been told, is from Utah and one of the best doctors in the field. His Facebook page has lots of helpful links and interesting articles)

National Infertility Awareness Week: My Journey with PCOS (Part 1)

Happy Feast Day of St. Gianna Molla (patron of mothers and unborn children), and National Infertility Awareness Week! I usually only keep this story for in-person sharing or witness talks, but I've been sharing it more than usual lately, so something told me it was time to write it all down... 

I have PCOS. There – I said it. For all the Internet (or the 5 people who might actually read this) to know.

More specifically, I have anovulatory insulin-resistant Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. And this is [the beginning of] my story.

Before I get to the short version, you need to know a few things about me, if you don’t already. I work as a Catholic Campus Minister in Catholic Church, and my ministry and my crazy college students are a HUGE part of my life. I love the word “project,” can easily slip into workaholic mode, have a big heart (that sometimes gets in the way of things), and I can lead a huge room full of people when I’m teaching, singing at church, etc., but I hate being the center of attention when the topic of conversation is me. I can be a stubborn pain in the butt, and may or may not have a tendency to be sarcastic. My sister and I grew up playing every sport you can enroll your elementary school child in, we spent high school playing varsity and club sports year round, and our Pilates-teacher-mother and basketball-coach-dad emphasized that being active was just how our family was.

What is PCOS? In super basic terms, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is an endocrine disorder that affects 5-10% of women, and about half of those women are undiagnosed. A woman with PCOS has it all her life, but it tends to be more of a problem between the ages of 16-45, when our ovaries are most active. PCOS causes cysts to grow on ovaries, which can sometimes burst (Yes, OUCH!!), and disrupt many other parts of a woman’s body – cysts secrete extra hormones, and can throw off your menstrual cycles, insulin production, body temperature, metabolism, cause heart problems, effect your overall fertility, and so much more. There is currently no cure for PCOS – it can only be managed my sometimes drastic lifestyle changes – and many things can make PCOS worse (like stress, not eating right, not sleeping enough, etc.). Not only is PCOS widely undiagnosed, many doctors either don’t know much about it, or feel like the only way to “fix” PCOS is to go on the birth control pill.

So, in my elementary and middle school years, life was relatively normal. The teenage years hit, and my body changed a little, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was active, at the gym nearly every day for one sport or another, training to play volleyball in college (thank you, torn rotator cuff, for killing that dream, but that’s another story for another day). I went off to college six hours from home, and things were still relatively normal. I probably missed a period here and there, but not frequently enough to make me think anything of it. I put on a few pounds here and there, but was still working out, and it had always been easy for me to build muscle mass (another PCOS symptom), so it didn’t really catch my attention. And then junior year hit – you know, that supposed pivotal point in your life where you’re supposed to know exactly what you’re doing with the rest of your life, because in a year or so you have to start applying for jobs, grad school, etc. and pretend you know how to adult (my students use that as a verb now).

In the midst of all that, I was struggling, and I don’t think I realized the pile of chaos that was about to turn into a tornado. Classes were great, but I was starting to have a change of heart about working in the corporate marketing world, and I didn’t know yet where that need to do something more than make money was going to take me. The 28392839 clubs and activities I was in were fine, and the 583 leadership roles I had signed myself up for were running smoothly – especially on the days where I actually went to bed before 4 a.m. after squeezing in some homework. Socially, my girlfriends were great, but my choice in men wasn’t. I became so busy, that a lot of things took a backseat – my spiritual life, talking to my family, and my health, to name a few.

Everything was such a blur, and I was too busy being an overachiever, that it wasn’t until somewhere mid-senior year that I started to take notice of some changes my body had been going through while I was elbow-deep in to-do lists and coffee cups. My clothes were starting to fit weird, I was tired ALL the time, frequently moody, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had needed to buy a new box of tampons. I chalked it up to stress and lack of sleep and gym time, and pushed through til graduation.

That summer, before starting my full-time MBA program (with 2 part time jobs and some volunteering on the side, because normal people do all of that at the same time), I finally took the time to go see the OBGYN. I explained that I had been gaining weight, generally not feeling well, and had only been having 2-3 periods a year, and I thought something was wrong. They did an ultrasound, didn’t find anything, and told me I didn’t need to go through any more tests if I wasn’t sleeping around, and suggested I go on the pill “if it really bothers you that you’re missing periods.” She wasn’t the first doctor who had tried to put me on the pill, but it had never sat right with me. I politely declined (again), but thought it was weird that there was clearly something wrong with my body, but no one was listening, much less the doctors I had hoped would fix me. I will always remember how frustrated and unheard I felt after that appointment. Always.

Fast forward through 3 semesters of graduate school to complete my MBA, and a year of working in campus ministry at a nearby college. At this point I was so torn about what kind of job I wanted to do, or where I wanted to live, that I applied to tons of different positions – marketing, event planning, non-profit public relations, youth and campus ministry, and more. In July of 2012, I got hired by the Archdiocese of Newark to work at Kean University, and little did I know that this job would introduce me to something that would change my health, and my life.

Kean’s Campus Ministry program was in a “rebuilding” phase and very small, so sometimes we would join other nearby universities for their events. One night, I took a few girls to Montclair State University for a women’s night, where they were bringing in a guest speaker to talk about pro-life issues and Natural Family Planning. I had gotten a brief introduction to NFP in college thanks to some cool Catholic women, and hadn’t thought much of it since getting married or having babies wasn’t in my immediate plans – but I was pretty excited to hear this talk.

That night I met the first woman who would truly help me on my journey and give me some hope about my health, Dr. Anne Tobak (now Sheridan). The more Anne spoke about the female body and how God designed it, the more I saw that there really was something not quite right with my health, and I wasn’t going crazy. She talked about how the Creighton model of Natural Family Planning has a medical branch called NaPro Technology, which uses NFP charting and information to diagnose and find natural solutions to things like infertility, PCOS, endometriosis, and more. So many things that night rang true with me, and I knew I had been given an opportunity that I didn’t know I was looking for – much less what to call it or how to find it.

I sneakily took a business card off the info table, not wanting to approach Anne in front of my students. I procrastinated on reaching out to her for 9 months (did I mention I’m really good at making myself busy?), until one week in June 2013. I had taken a week off work to go back to Erie and work a week-long church camp with some good friends from college and the Catholic community there. It was one of my favorite weeks of the year, and was full of late nights, junk food, large coffees, and running around until you fell asleep with a pen in your hand writing notes to the students.

The one time of the day we stopped moving at lightning speed was for Mass and Adoration each night after dinner. Usually this was my favorite part of the day, and a great time to connect with God. But this week something was off. The first few days, I felt jittery and light-headed, but I chalked it up to too much coffee and a headache from allergies, and ignored it. By Wednesday, my body was screaming at me that there was something wrong, and the next thing I knew, I was on the hallway floor with my head in my friend Kayla’s lap, trying to stop shaking. I’ll never forget the look on one of my students’ faces that night, when he came out into the hall to check on me for the 7^th time in 10 minutes, worried that I was going to get worse. I refused to go to the hospital, but nearly fainted at least three times that week.

When I got home from camp (thankfully without any incidents on my 6-hour solo drive back to my new apartment), I realized that I should have gotten my period by now… but once again, it was off. I wasn’t sure if what had happened at camp was related to that, but I knew I needed to talk to someone about it, ASAP, to figure out what the heck my body was doing. I searched through my drafts until I found the e-mail I had been meaning to send to Anne explaining my symptoms, and finally pressed send. She replied quickly, and said that from what I had told her about my cycles and health, it sounded like I had PCOS, and that Creighton/NaPro Technology would be able to help. I couldn’t believe that this random woman had an idea of what might be wrong with me, when doctor after doctor hadn’t seemed to have the slightest idea.

Anne and I met a week or so later in a small conference room at the local library, where I had my first official NFP lesson and started to learn to chart my cycles. Different methods of Natural Family Planning look at different changes in a women’s body to determine when she is fertile/infertile each day of the month (some use body temperature, others use urine tests; the Creighton Model tracks changes in cervical mucus). There is a standardized coding process for what kind of mucus (or lack thereof) you have each day, and from that information, a NaPro Technology doctor can diagnose things like ovarian cysts, failure to ovulate, infections, tendency to miscarry, and more. It’s so cool! And it’s definitely NOT the “rhythm method” we hear about our grandparents using.

We already knew that I would most likely have to see a specialized NaPro doctor, and luckily there were a small handful of them within an hour or two drive. Before meeting with a NaPro doctor, you need to chart for at least 3 months so they have some concrete information to help diagnose things with – so my learning curve and waiting game began. After I felt comfortable learning the charting system, and Anne and I went over some of the signs on my chart that pointed towards PCOS, I made an appointment with Dr. Jean Golden-Tevald. PCOS can only be truly diagnosed by having an ultrasound and doing bloodwork, and I needed to know if it was official.

The 4 months between my first meeting with Anne and seeing Dr. Jean gave me plenty of time to Google PCOS many times. I had read a lot about it by then – the symptoms I didn’t have (or at least hadn’t developed yet). The ones I definitely did have. What a cyst does when it ruptures (which is just as NOT FUN as it sounds). The increased risk of things like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. The increased rate of miscarriage. Infertility. I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t sure if I would be relieved to finally have an answer to all of my questions, or broken-hearted that this would finally be it. Or both.

Dr. Jean and her staff were great. I walked into the waiting room on October 1 (the feast of St. Therese of Lisieux, one of my favorite saints) and saw a tapestry with our Lady of Guadalupe behind the secretary’s desk, some pro-life awards from the local bishop hanging on the wall, and I knew that if nothing else, I’d be in good hands here. I met Dr. Jean, and was immediately comfortable – she told me everything like it was, but in the most pastoral and caring way possible. What?! Another person who actually was going to listen when I told them something was wrong with my body?

We talked about PCOS, some all-natural vitamins that could help with the never-ending mood swings and slew of other symptoms, and she led me back into the ultrasound room. Another woman was there in training, and she asked to see my Creighton chart before we got started. I wasn’t expecting the “WOAH… I’ve never seen anything like this before!” that slipped out of her mouth before she regained her composure and explained how the ultrasound setup worked. A few minutes later, I was covered in ultrasound goo, and hearing the words I had been expecting all day – “Well, there they are… your ovaries are definitely covered in cysts.”

I don’t remember much else of the rest of the visit besides scheduling a follow up in a few months after I had some more charting under my belt and the results of my full bloodwork panel came back. I had a 45-minute drive back to work (because normal people go back to work after getting bad news from their doctor, right?), and it didn’t take long for the tears to come as I started to process what today meant. I mean, I wasn’t dying. But a small part of me felt like I was – the part of me that had a huge smile when my friends joked that it wasn’t a question of IF I was going to be a soccer mom one day, but what color the minivan would be and which sport we’d be driving the kids to. I wanted (and still want) nothing more than to be a mother… and this diagnosis carried with it the potential to kill those dreams, at least in the traditional, biological sense of motherhood.

It took a little time, but the more I thought about the last few months, the more my over-achieving, stubborn, pain in the butt, “you told me it couldn’t be done so now I’m going to make it happen” side broke through the outdated statistics I had read about online. In the middle of this crappy situation was an incredible hope that God had given me, along with some answers. Yes, finding out that PCOS is a thing, I have it, and will struggle with it for the rest of my life, SUCKS. But the people that helped me discover that have been incredible through this whole process, and I saw so much truth in what they were teaching me about NFP, NaPro, and finding a natural solution to a tough situation.  I’ve found hope in these women, these doctors, these NFP teachers, and learning the truth about my body has given me the courage to say two words I need to hear all the time on this road to dealing with PCOS:

Challenge accepted.

(to be continued...)  

Prayer for a "rose" -- interpreting God's message

Most people think that summer is a time for relaxing (especially when you have a job where about 90% of your work occurs working crazy hours during the academic year), but the past few weeks have been a little slice of chaos. Strangely enough thought, in the midst of the mayhem, I've also had some awesome prayer time - which has been beautiful, because usually the crazier I'm feeling, the less likely I am to take time out for just me and God in my schedule.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to be on team for an amazing youth ministry program offered by the diocese I used to work for (they can't get rid of me just yet ;)  ), called CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute). I was excited to meet my kids, the new team members, and be reunited with the returning team members, who have become my family over the past five years or so. I also knew that I'd have a lot more time for prayer, Mass, and Adoration than I usually do in my schedule, and I was pumped for a little spiritual refresher.

One of my favorite priests gave a talk about prayer at CLI, and one of the things he spoke about was interpreting our prayers to find the real message from God. Some of the ways he said we can use to see the difference between our own thoughts and God speaking to us is if what we're hearing is something that we're not expecting, or something we would have picked for ourselves, and if the message challenges us to grow, and makes us a little uncomfortable. Little did I know how much I would need that spiritual refresher for the weeks following CLI, or those particular words.

The week brought some circumstances that left me having to make a big decision about something, a thing that involved other people and could potentially have a major impact on someone else's life. My post-CLI, sleep-deprived, super-emotional mind was telling me to act one way, but my friends and the logical side of my mind were telling me I was being a little bit crazy.

I knew I needed to take it to prayer and offer the whole situation up, but I was struggling with determining what I thought I was hearing in prayer was my own thoughts and desires, or what was actually the will of God. I was so confused, and knew I needed more help figuring things out, but the people I would normally go to seemed too close to me and the situation to be truly objective. I needed to know which direction I was going to head in, without someone worrying about me getting my hopes crushed, or judging the situation as impossible altogether.

God put it on my heart to pray the Novena to St. Therese of Liseaux, The Little Flower - something that I've done before, but only like to do in when I really need it so I can really put my heart into it, as opposed to praying it to find out what kind of cereal I should have for breakfast in nine days. If you're not familiar with the novena, there's a few different versions of it, but the one I use you can find here (http://www.ewtn.com/therese/novena.htm#1), and here's the basics - it's a 9-day series of prayers and reflections, where you pray for the same specific intention every day, and when you're done, St. Therese will find a way to send you a rose as a sign to answer your prayers. I never tell anyone I'm doing this particular novena until after I'm done and have gotten my answer, in fear of someone sending me a rose because of their own will, not God's. Like this "overly attached Catholic girlfriend" meme, courtesy of the fantastic Catholic Memes Facebook page...

I'm sure St. Therese was laughing at me a little bit in heaven with how specific I was in asking for a sign. I didn't just ask for any rose, but for a white rose only if my emotions were pure and the thing that I wanted to come from the situation would be holy and good for everyone involved - if it wouldn't be, and I should shop being emotional and follow the logic, I asked St. Therese for a rose of any other color.

The more I prayed, the more I started to feel like the logic was taking over, I was stupid for being so emotional about the situation, and I needed to let go of my feelings and move on. I journaled a lot, and started to honestly feel like I would be okay with either outcome, even if I didn't get the answer that I originally wanted. By the eighth day, I almost stopped praying the novena, because I was feeling so sure that I had been irrational, and praying the novena was just a way to help me let go emotionally so that when I didn't get the white rose I had originally hoped for, I'd be more okay with God's "this isn't what I have planned for you."

I finished the last day's prayers anyway, right before getting on the road for a weekend trip to Erie, PA to see some friends. It was getting pretty late, and I had driven that 6-7 hour route many, many times during college to get back to Gannon from New Jersey, so it was easy to space out (I'm literally on Route 80 for 5 hours, so I don't even have to worry about missing a turn until I'm almost to Ohio).

Shortly after midnight (so technically the day after I finished the novena), a song we sang a lot at CLI came on my iPod, and I started to mentally wake up more and pay more attention to things besides the highway in front of me. Near the end of the song, I looked to the side of the road, and saw a small sign I had never seen before on my many treks across PA...

(I GPS-ed Rose Township on my way back from Erie on Sunday, and took this photo of the eastbound-side's sign because I needed to prove to myself that I hadn't made up the name of the town in my late-night zoning-out-ness) 

After freaking out just a little bit in my car, and talking to a good friend of mine the next day who I consider to be my resident expert on the Little Flower Novena from all the answers she's gotten from it herself, we determined that yes, this does count as a rose, and occasionally God does quite literally send you signs for your direction in life.

This was not A) the way I expected St. Therese to send me a flower, or B) the color I was expecting. I also wasn't really sure if this was the answer I wanted anymore - I had just spent nine days offering my desires up to God, and preparing myself for a big ol' "girl, ain't nobody got time fo dat" response.

I'm still figuring out where exactly I'm going to head from here - after all, it's been about 2 days since I got this surprising literal road sign. The little "doubting Thomas" voice in me wants to pray the novena again and see if I get the same results, but I know that a huge part of praying for an answer is having faith that a response will come, and trusting in that message when it does. The situation as a whole also doesn't rely on my decisions alone, so I've got some waiting (and more praying) to do about it, and trusting that other people will follow God's plans for them, too. But it is nice to know that someone up there is listening, and that God absolutely has plans in store for me, even if I really don't know His long-term visions for me right now. Who knows - maybe there are even more roses for me in my future - but in any case, it's all at least a reminder to never stop praying.

You are not alone in your struggles, or your desires

If you haven't already read my previous blog post, please do so before reading this one. After getting some fallout from my last post about gay marriage, I realized that the compassion I had intended wasn't fully communicated. For that I apologize - but I still stand by what I wrote and believe. Hopefully this explains things a little more... 

Every single person that has ever walked this earth has struggled with something. Some people struggle with little things, some with big things, some struggle more early in their life and some struggle more at the end. Some people worry most about money and success, some with education, some with self-confidence and identity, some with relationships and sexuality, some with all of the above. But regardless of how or when a person struggles, he or she is never alone in those feelings of anger, confusion, sadness, regret, worry, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, or wanting to love and be loved in return.

(Bear with me as I make a point through this example that I know is on a very different level than gay relationships, but I swear I have a point). When I was in high school, my life was all about volleyball. I played on 3 different teams year-round, and didn't have an off-season. Being on the court made me happy, and it was my dream to play in college. I was starting the recruitment process when I partially tore my right rotator cuff. I was terrified that if I told someone about how much pain I was in, they would tell me I couldn't play. So I toughed it out and pretended I was fine. Eventually, I got hurt again, and that time my physical therapist gave me an ultimatum - give up my dream of playing competitively ever again and let my body rest and heal on its own, or have surgery, go through a year or more of PT, be gentle with my shoulder for the rest of my volleyball career, and take a gamble on if I'd be good enough to play after I healed. After some long discussions with my parents and my coaches, we all decided it would be best if I gave up my dreams on the court.

Volleyball was not my identity. Volleyball was not my true source of happiness. Life was not really all about volleyball. But I was so angry at not being allowed to play, questioning why this thing that I loved was being taken away from me, instead of accepting the fact that I couldn't do it any more, and figuring out what I was going to do moving forward. I struggled with wanting to know why God would give me the skills to play and the love of the game, but tell me that I couldn't do it without hurting myself. Little did I know then that taking volleyball out of my life would give me the opportunity to do so much more - getting involved in campus ministry, volunteering, joining a sorority, writing for my college paper, and so many other life-changing experiences I wouldn't have had time for if I was playing a sport. Years later, I still have my love of the game, and I'm back on the court - but on the sidelines, as a coach. I would not be who I am today if I had kept playing volleyball. I also would not have found my love for coaching volleyball, and expressing my excitement about the sport in that new way - a way that has turned out to be a better fit for me in the end, and a way that makes me happier to see my kids ace a serve than I ever felt when I aced one myself.

When God gives you the desire for something, we're not always supposed to fill that need with what we expect or want to. Sometimes, it feels like something precious to us, something we want more than anything, is being taken away or make impossible. No matter what that precious thing is - a sport to an athlete, the perfect job to a great businessman, the fertility of a mother that desperately wants to have children, the desire of a person to love through a marriage recognized by the Church -- the feelings are similar when it's "taken away" from us, or we're told we can't have it. That anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness, questioning who you are and what you're good at - we've all felt it over something, or will at some point in our lives.

God is not trying to make us miserable. We are His children, and He wants us to be happy and to live fulfilling lives. God doesn't give us things we can't handle - and he gives the strongest people the biggest burdens to bear. We don't always understand why we're given those burdens at the time, or we may never understand them at all - but that doesn't mean they don't have a purpose. We might not understand other people's struggles, know why they happen, or be able to completely empathize with how they're feeling, but that doesn't mean that we're all in this life together. We all know what a struggle is, and we've all felt some sort of pain before.

I have friends that are gay, and I know that I will never fully be able to know what it's like to be in their shoes and be told they can't get married in the church, just like they will never fully know what it was like for me to have my dream taken away from me in high school. That yearning for a loving relationship is something that they will always have - but the game-changing difference between wallowing in the inability to get married, and celebrating the ability to experience love in different ways, is perspective.

No one said that gay people can't love each other, or people in general. No one said that gay people can't experience the self-sacrificing friendship and support that a husband and wife have for each other.

I like the way this LifeTeen article puts it:

"True love means to will the good of the beloved. What is the good of the beloved? It is to always act with our ultimate end in mind — eternal happiness in heaven. We have to look out for each other’s souls since we are all brothers and sisters.

Both heterosexual and homosexual people are called to live a life of virtue, a life of chastity, because we’re all called to be saints. Contrary to what many believe, the highest expression of love for someone is not to have sex with them (CCC 2359).

In a document from the Catholic Bishops about homosexuality, they say:

“It would not be wise for persons with a homosexual inclination to seek friendship exclusively among persons with the same inclination. They should seek to form stable friendships among both homosexuals and heterosexuals . . . A homosexual person can have an abiding relationship with another homosexual without genital sexual expression. Indeed the deeper need of any human is for friendship rather than genital expression.”

(Read here for the full article: http://lifeteen.com/catholics-care-about-gays-the-myth-debunked/)


The desire that God gave you to want to love, and be loved, is a beautiful thing that God gave you when He created you. Finding out how you can best fulfill that desire may not be in ways you expect - for some people, the answer to that desire is easy to find, through the sacrament of marriage. For some, that desire is filled through religious life, or choosing to be single. For others, the answer might be harder to see, but it's still an answer, a way to love and be loved, in a way that's both nourishing and good for your soul.

Discovering how you as an individual, no matter your sexual preference, are called to love and be loved is something that you can't find out from a blog post, an article, or even the Catechism or the Bible. The Church or the people in your life can tell you what they think, or tell you the boundaries that you should stick by. But as for the exact way that you fulfill your God-given desires, you need to find that out through prayer - and a lot of it.

I know I'm still figuring out how I'm called to fulfill my own desire to love and be loved. I know I have a strong desire to be a mother - but how I'm called to do that is something I haven't found out yet. For today, it's enough for me to be single and sometimes be like a mom to the students in my ministry. In the future, maybe I'll be called to be a mom by actually having kids of my own, or adopting. Or maybe I'll be called to be a mother in the spiritual sense of the word by joining religious life. Who knows where I'll find my true sense of fulfilling that desire? Only God.

Maybe a person is satisfied with just friendships and a strong community, and doesn't feel a strong need for one special person to love them in a special way. Maybe another person feels satisfied by having a stronger, self-sacrificing, supporting friendship with one person, without the sexual component that's reserved for marriage. Maybe another person fulfills their desire to love and be loved by dedicating their life to service, and has a different kind of family in the people they serve. Each of these lifestyles are beautiful options, and there are infinite possibilities for any person to fulfill their need for love outside of the traditional idea of marriage.

Let's not be so close-minded about the opportunities God has given us to fulfill the desires we have in a way that's good for our souls, and supports our purpose in life, and each other. When life gives you lemons, don't sit around sucking on them and complaining about how sour they are. Make lemonade - or lemon cake, lemon chicken, lemon poppyseed muffins.... Make something beautiful.

The argument for marriage - More than your profile picture

In a sea of red equal signs, crosses, X's, and more flooding my news feed today, I chose not to change my profile picture.

Why? Not because I don't have very strong beliefs about the general topic of human sexuality and marriage, and not because I didn't want to offend anyone - I'm not apologizing for my beliefs. But I do think that how I feel about the topic cannot be accurately described in a small profile picture, or with one particular symbol. And I think it deserves more of a conversation, and more attention, than just a day of Facebook profile pictures. More than just angry comments on different pictures about how intolerant or hateful everyone is. More than what I can cover in a single blog post, but at least this is a start.

The majority of people that care about this debate know that the Catholic Church does not support gay marriage (they do support gay people, and teach us to love and respect all humans regardless of sexual orientation) -- but they don't truly understand the reason WHY, which is the most important part. In reality, the misunderstanding is not about gay marriage - it's about misunderstanding human sexuality and the meaning of relationships as a big picture.

The world we live in today puts sex on a pedestal. While, in the appropriate context, sex can be a beautiful, God-given gift, we are not put on earth for the sole reason of having sex, and to say that we are only to be used for that is demeaning to the whole value of human life and purpose. To say that my value as a person, as a woman, is based on my sexuality, is offensive - because I am more than just my body.

Guess what? I'm a 24-year-old woman, I'm not married, I'm not having sex, and I'm alive. Maybe one day I'll get married, and will have sex. Maybe I will be single for the rest of my life, and I'll never have sex. Either way, it's not at the top of my priority list. It doesn't make me sad to think about the possibility of not having sex, or not getting married. Because I know that I'm worth more than what I can do with my body.

The idea that a human being is more than just sexual organs is crucial to the Church's teachings on sexuality, marriage, and relationships in general. The most important part of a human being is his or her soul -- so that's what we have to care for in our relationships. Catholicism teaches that ALL people are called to live by the same "rules" -- to respect, love, and care for other souls. To uphold the true purpose of sex - a free, total, faithful, and live-giving act of love in the context of marriage. To respect the sacrament of marriage - between a man and a woman.

Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I can't love people. I just can't express that love to people through having sex with them. If people with same-sex attractions can't get married, that doesn't mean they can't love people, either - they just can't express that love through sex in a moral way, just like me. Same standards. And neither I, nor gay couples, will die from, or have an awful life because of a lack of extra-marital sex. In fact, if people stop putting bodies, sex, and society's twisted idea of self-worth so high on their priority list, they would be happier in the long run.

It's not that I don't understand or have compassion for people with same-sex attractions. Some of my best friends, and some people that I consider to be family, are gay, and I don't love them any less because of that. Hearing stories they tell me about having sex outside of marriage makes me sad in the same way that it does to hear about heterosexual friends having sex outside of marriage - and when I say sad, I don't mean :( , I mean feeling sad for their souls, and sad that they don't see the value of their souls and themselves as more than just a physical body. A familiar kind of sadness that comes from knowing in your heart that you deserve more and can be happier. On the other side, hearing from the friends that are gay, but choosing to live chastely and be celibate instead of pursuing sexual homosexual relationships, makes me respect and admire them even more. (Check out this awesome blog post: http://mattfradd.com/2012/06/14/catholic-gay-and-feeling-fine/)

Is it a struggle to live out these high standards of chastity? Absolutely. No one said it would be easy - after all, our bodies are made the way they are so that they are able to have sexual relationships, and we all have hormones. I've been in that struggle - let's just say there was a time in my life where my beliefs weren't as strong as they are today. But I can speak from experience in saying that I've found SO much more joy in my life from discovering the real value in who I am, and what my body and soul were made for. To understand that better, I encourage everyone to look into Theology of the Body (Never heard of it? Start with either of these books: http://www.amazon.com/Theology-Body-Beginners-Introduction-Revolution/dp/1934217859/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1364347661&sr=8-2&keywords=theology+of+the+body  or http://www.amazon.com/Theology-Body-Teens-Student-Workbook/dp/1932927867/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1364347661&sr=8-6&keywords=theology+of+the+body). Be ready for it to change your life.

Why do I feel like I need to "force" these beliefs on other people by staying out of the fight on the political level? Because I care about people's souls - which is saying much more than caring about people's feelings of who they can love. We are not supposed to judge people, or souls - but we do need to judge people's actions, hold each other accountable for actions that hurt our souls, and help guide each other closer to God and heaven.  (You should also check out this blog post, which explains more about the arguments over gay marriage: http://mattfradd.com/2013/03/26/gay-marriage-our-agreements-solve-our-disagreement/).

We also live in a country founded on the freedom of religion - not just the freedom of worship. My religious freedom is already being attacked right now by our government, because the government is forcing religious people to go against their beliefs (like by paying for healthcare that violates what the Church teaches about abortion, among other things). If we make gay marriage legal, how long will it be before they start forcing churches to uphold governmental standards of what marriage is? That's not far from what our country is coming to. I know that I can't go around and physically force people to live chastely, but I can't sit by and watch as people disregard the meaning and value of marriage and sexuality. I have an obligation, and we all do, to show people the truth about who they are, who they are made to be, and what they can do to get there.

The value of a soul is worth fighting for.


*Above is the original version of this blog post. However, after talking to a few people about this post, I decided that a few things were missing from it. Please check out the next post on this blog by clicking here: http://alwaysletyourlightshine.blogspot.com/2013/03/you-are-not-alone-in-your-struggles-or.html  or clicking on the link to "You are not alone in your struggles..." located in the sidebar on the right side of this page. Thanks for reading! 

Don't get tired of asking for forgiveness

“Don't forget this, the Lord never gets tired of forgiving, it is we that get tired of asking forgiveness... Have you thought about how much patience he has with you? Let's not forget that God never gets tired of forgiving so let's never get tired of asking for forgiveness”  -- Pope Francis 
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God's forgiveness is something that I've been reflecting on a lot lately, partially because I've been talking to a few people that have been struggling to grasp it, and partially because it just makes me smile.

We tend to try and fit God into the limitations of human beings because it's easier for us to understand things when they're relative to something familiar. We know what it's like to forgive a little sibling for taking the last cookie, to let it go when your friends forget to invite you to a movie. We know it's possible, in time, for some  to forgive others for cheating on a husband or wife. We hear stories about a mother forgiving the man that killed her son in a drunk driving accident. While some of those are easier for us to relate to than others, they're all situations we're familiar with.

But God is not human, an no matter how hard we try, He can't fit in the confined space that we are limited to as humans. His forgiveness is so beyond what we can comprehend, and it's unlike anything we're familiar with or can compare it to completely. Many of us struggle with beginning to understand that forgiveness and love, so we try to reject it and tell ourselves we're not worthy, we're not good enough, we're too stupid or ugly or stubborn or some other things that would make us unloveable.

It's times like these where we have to stop trying so hard to understand why God loves us so much, and just accept the fact that He does. That's never going to change. No matter what. God loves us unconditionally because that's who God is. And you were made to be loved by God, and to love Him in return. Quit trying so hard to wrap your mind around the thought, accept that it's never going to fit it in the little box that defines human love, and just let yourself be enveloped in it. There's so much peace that comes from that, and knowing that He will always love you, and that will never change.

Does that mean that we can do whatever we want because God will love and forgive us anyway? No. We still have to try our best to not sin. That forgiveness is meant to be one within a loving, two-way relationship - not a one-way relationship where we use God for His forgiveness and do nothing in return. It's like when parents trust their kids to go out with their friends for the first time - they hope that because they love and trust their child, the child will do the right thing and do what they tell him/her to do. The child might be a rebellious teenager, refuse to listen, break the rules, etc. but the parents will still love them anyway, and eventually, the kid will grow up, mature, and realize that their parents only want the best for them. That's the relationship with God that we should strive for - understanding that His commandments are coming from a loving God that only wants the best for us, and we follow them because we know He knows best, and love Him for loving us.

Like Pope Francis said, God never gets tired of forgiving us - but sometimes we get tired of asking for forgiveness because we feel like we're not worthy. But guess what - you are a son or daughter of God. You are worthy of being loved unconditionally. Feel like you can't accept any of that? Spend some time doing a good examination of conscience. Make the best confession of your life. Learn from your mistakes, and let go of whatever is holding you back from accepting God's love and forgiveness. Make another mistake, or start to feel unworthy again? As for forgiveness. Go to confession. Learn, let go, repeat. Never stop asking for God's forgiveness, and He will never stop asking for it. But you have to keep letting that love in - face it. You are loved. And that's never going to change.

Pope Francis, the business world, and a lesson in humility

It’s got to be hard to be humble when you’re the Pope. You were only just elected to lead 1.2 billion people. No big deal, right? You’re only on every form of news and social media all over the world.

Yesterday was all about stories of Pope Francis riding the bus instead of the papal car, or showing pictures of him washing AIDs victims feet on social media. Today, things seemed to take a quick turn as people started digging into the past of Cardinal Bergoglio, looking for some dirt to show the world, and debating about which Church problems he had to fix first – sex abuse scandals, or Catholicism’s close-mindedness over issues like abortion and gay marriage.

When people are praising you for your humility, it’s hard to stay humble. When they are accusing you or your faith, it’s even harder to stay humble, and not whip out the list of accomplishments and good things the Church has done over the years to explain or contrast the bad actions, misunderstandings, or negativity in the media.

My marketing/public relations background (the field I worked in and studied before I realized God has other plans for my life) has always made me struggle with this. Why doesn’t the church hire some snazzy, expensive marketing firm to pitch to the world how many good things members of the Catholic Church do every day, how many people we feed, serve, educate,  heal, house, and support? Why don’t we get some good branding going, with some catchy slogans that explain our faith in simple ways, push the goodwill factor and advertise more what we’re doing to fix the problems we do have?

If we were all about positive marketing strategies and showing off, sharing our Catholic faith would be so much easier. But, that’s not what our faith is all about. We are not a corporation trying to increase sales, or even a non-profit trying to promote a cause. We are Catholic, and our mission is to save souls by proclaiming and living out the Gospel. We are taught to be humble, to serve in the spirit of compassion and humility, to pray in secret, to put money in the collection basket with our right hand quietly so our left hand doesn’t know what we’re doing. Most Catholics follow a quieter style of evangelism, focused more on living as a great example.

None of the stories in the Bible end with “… and Jesus asked his disciples if they thought people agreed with his message and would post good things about him on Facebook.” Instead, Jesus called his followers to live in a radical way, spreading the Truth even when they were persecuted.

Let’s be real – even if the Church did invest resources and spend more time worrying about their public image, it probably wouldn’t make a significant dent in the number of people that don’t understand, or just dislike, the Catholic Church. Pope Francis has done some pretty amazing and holy things in his life, and two days after his election, the media is already searching for ways to make him look bad, or remind the Church of how awful Catholics are.

Despite all of this, I think what we need is a good dose of Pope Francis’ humility and reminder to get back to the basics of our faith. Being humble Catholics that do the best they can to live out the faith may not be as direct of a message as sending a press release or calling a press conference, but it’s certainly more memorable and more in line with the message we’re trying to send the world.  In a swarm of online news stories and social media posts, we need to do something different to be recognized. Jesus changed the world when he started with 12 apostles that lived by example and stood by their beliefs through persecution (I bet his Twitter account would have looked pretty lame at the beginning of his ministry with only 12 followers and some radical teachings). Imagine what a Church of 1.2 billion could do if we all returned to those same basic, humble beginnings of our faith, and remembered that we are Catholic because our Church is rooted in the Truth, a Gospel of love, and filled with holy people that truly care about our souls.

That’s why I’m so excited to see, and be a part of, what Pope Francis’ leadership will do with our Church. The more I read about him, what he’s done in his ministry, and his vision for the future, the more I love him and want to know more about how we can all grow in our faith. In a world that focuses on public image and making people like you, we have to be the most counter-cultural of all and live in humility. News anchors sharing poll info about how many people dislike Church teachings won’t change the Church, and Catholic newspapers sharing happy stories won’t change hearts and save souls. But doing what we can to humbly show others the love behind Church teachings and the beauty in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ will change hearts. That will show the world what’s most important in life, and that’s the first thing we can learn from our new Holy Father.