A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to be on team for an amazing youth ministry program offered by the diocese I used to work for (they can't get rid of me just yet ;) ), called CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute). I was excited to meet my kids, the new team members, and be reunited with the returning team members, who have become my family over the past five years or so. I also knew that I'd have a lot more time for prayer, Mass, and Adoration than I usually do in my schedule, and I was pumped for a little spiritual refresher.
One of my favorite priests gave a talk about prayer at CLI, and one of the things he spoke about was interpreting our prayers to find the real message from God. Some of the ways he said we can use to see the difference between our own thoughts and God speaking to us is if what we're hearing is something that we're not expecting, or something we would have picked for ourselves, and if the message challenges us to grow, and makes us a little uncomfortable. Little did I know how much I would need that spiritual refresher for the weeks following CLI, or those particular words.
The week brought some circumstances that left me having to make a big decision about something, a thing that involved other people and could potentially have a major impact on someone else's life. My post-CLI, sleep-deprived, super-emotional mind was telling me to act one way, but my friends and the logical side of my mind were telling me I was being a little bit crazy.
I knew I needed to take it to prayer and offer the whole situation up, but I was struggling with determining what I thought I was hearing in prayer was my own thoughts and desires, or what was actually the will of God. I was so confused, and knew I needed more help figuring things out, but the people I would normally go to seemed too close to me and the situation to be truly objective. I needed to know which direction I was going to head in, without someone worrying about me getting my hopes crushed, or judging the situation as impossible altogether.
God put it on my heart to pray the Novena to St. Therese of Liseaux, The Little Flower - something that I've done before, but only like to do in when I really need it so I can really put my heart into it, as opposed to praying it to find out what kind of cereal I should have for breakfast in nine days. If you're not familiar with the novena, there's a few different versions of it, but the one I use you can find here (http://www.ewtn.com/therese/novena.htm#1), and here's the basics - it's a 9-day series of prayers and reflections, where you pray for the same specific intention every day, and when you're done, St. Therese will find a way to send you a rose as a sign to answer your prayers. I never tell anyone I'm doing this particular novena until after I'm done and have gotten my answer, in fear of someone sending me a rose because of their own will, not God's. Like this "overly attached Catholic girlfriend" meme, courtesy of the fantastic Catholic Memes Facebook page...
I'm sure St. Therese was laughing at me a little bit in heaven with how specific I was in asking for a sign. I didn't just ask for any rose, but for a white rose only if my emotions were pure and the thing that I wanted to come from the situation would be holy and good for everyone involved - if it wouldn't be, and I should shop being emotional and follow the logic, I asked St. Therese for a rose of any other color.
The more I prayed, the more I started to feel like the logic was taking over, I was stupid for being so emotional about the situation, and I needed to let go of my feelings and move on. I journaled a lot, and started to honestly feel like I would be okay with either outcome, even if I didn't get the answer that I originally wanted. By the eighth day, I almost stopped praying the novena, because I was feeling so sure that I had been irrational, and praying the novena was just a way to help me let go emotionally so that when I didn't get the white rose I had originally hoped for, I'd be more okay with God's "this isn't what I have planned for you."
I finished the last day's prayers anyway, right before getting on the road for a weekend trip to Erie, PA to see some friends. It was getting pretty late, and I had driven that 6-7 hour route many, many times during college to get back to Gannon from New Jersey, so it was easy to space out (I'm literally on Route 80 for 5 hours, so I don't even have to worry about missing a turn until I'm almost to Ohio).
Shortly after midnight (so technically the day after I finished the novena), a song we sang a lot at CLI came on my iPod, and I started to mentally wake up more and pay more attention to things besides the highway in front of me. Near the end of the song, I looked to the side of the road, and saw a small sign I had never seen before on my many treks across PA...
(I GPS-ed Rose Township on my way back from Erie on Sunday, and took this photo of the eastbound-side's sign because I needed to prove to myself that I hadn't made up the name of the town in my late-night zoning-out-ness)
This was not A) the way I expected St. Therese to send me a flower, or B) the color I was expecting. I also wasn't really sure if this was the answer I wanted anymore - I had just spent nine days offering my desires up to God, and preparing myself for a big ol' "girl, ain't nobody got time fo dat" response.
I'm still figuring out where exactly I'm going to head from here - after all, it's been about 2 days since I got this surprising literal road sign. The little "doubting Thomas" voice in me wants to pray the novena again and see if I get the same results, but I know that a huge part of praying for an answer is having faith that a response will come, and trusting in that message when it does. The situation as a whole also doesn't rely on my decisions alone, so I've got some waiting (and more praying) to do about it, and trusting that other people will follow God's plans for them, too. But it is nice to know that someone up there is listening, and that God absolutely has plans in store for me, even if I really don't know His long-term visions for me right now. Who knows - maybe there are even more roses for me in my future - but in any case, it's all at least a reminder to never stop praying.
