I heard something awesome yesterday while listening to the Christian radio station on my way home from work. They were interviewing Brandon Heath, a Christian singer who has struggled with stuttering his whole life (you can't tell by the way he sings), and the radio personality said something along the lines of "You know, it's funny -- usually the things that we struggle with the most are really hidden gifts that God has given us to share with others."
This is so incredibly true -- and yet most of the time, we're so wrapped up in how much we're struggling with something that we can't see what a gift that suffering, that pain, that daunting task really is. I think I was paying attention to the radio interview because I love Brandon Heath, and music in general, and I play the guitar and sing myself.
I lead music at Masses and Adoration and things frequently now, but it's been a journey getting myself to that point. I grew up singing at church, and playing various instruments (piano, drums, even a little soprano saxophone, which I failed miserably at), and I always loved jamming to songs in the car or the shower -- but in a crowd, or even around my family and friends, I couldn't get a sound out -- I was terrified.
I gave up music for a few years in high school in favor of sports, and spontaneously decided to pick up guitar in college. It took me a while to get good enough at it to play in front of people, but my junior year I joined the college's music ministry group. We had a blast - I'd play guitar, our piano player/music minister was incredible, we had a bass guitarist and violinist sometimes, and a big group of students singing -- it was so much fun! They asked me to lead a few times, like when the Erie snow got so crazy our music director couldn't make it to the Chapel -- I survived, but not without at least a few others singing with me, and some minor panic attacks. I dreaded those nights.
I'm still not sure why I did, but one summer they asked me to be the musician for a Catholic summer camp for high school students that I volunteered at each year. I had played at Sunday Masses before, but not like this -- this was leading an hour of Mass, an hour of Adoration, and miscellaneous times of prayer -- for a whole week. It was probably my stubborn Irish-German blood in me that made me say yes -- even though I knew that I was SO not ready for that. I freaked out every time I thought about it for a solid 8 months, practiced way more than I needed to, and made one of my best friends force me to sing in front of at least her... and then camp came.
The team members for that camp are some of the most supportive people I've ever worked with, and I never could have gotten through that week without them. I survived with only one awful night of panicking and crying, and by the end of the week I had gotten what I needed -- a swift kick in the pants. That week made me remember what I was really doing -- I wasn't playing meaningless music in front of thousands of people. I was in a small chapel, with some of my closest friends and some high school students, playing in front of a God that can handle so much more than my crazy stage freight issues -- and it wasn't just music. It was prayer.
I cared that I was singing on key and using the right strum pattern and doing my best to keep my mind off of the fact that I was singing in front of people and not sounding like a dying duck. But God didn't care about that. He cared that I was present, I was putting my soul into what I was doing, I was doing my best, I was praising Him, and leading other people to Him through that prayer and song. That's what mattered. And nothing else.
Don't get me wrong -- getting over that fear has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wasn't magically cured after that week, and I still sometimes get nervous and freeze up when I'm about to sing or play. But I have a new perspective on it now -- it doesn't stop me. I hope that one day, I'll be jamming to some praise song up in heaven, and I'll hit every note perfectly. But for now, I'll have to be okay with not being perfect, and just being me -- the slightly nervous, kind of crazy, bounces when she plays, awkward girl that smiles when she sings and tries her hardest to put her soul into her music. The ability to pray through music has been one of God's gifts to me -- even when I was too scared to unwrap the present.
No comments:
Post a Comment